Do you want to know how to quit overthinking too much in a relationship? I'm going to give you some tips on how to stop this anxiety-inducing habit and, as a result, feel better about both your relationships and yourself.
First of all, be aware that's alright. In our quick-paced, super-charged, "always-on" environment, overthinking has nearly become the norm. It is entirely natural.
But pondering too much is unhealthy. You don't require a professional to inform you of that. Stress is caused by overthinking. It overpowers, hurts, and breeds unneeded negativity. Anxiety comes from overthinking.
While overanalyzing may affect many aspects of your life, this post specifically focuses on how to quit analyzing your relationship excessively.
Why We Overthink
Why do so many of us have a propensity for thinking too much? It's something we're naturally predisposed to do, in a way. Humans possess extraordinary critical thinking skills, which have enabled us to flourish as a species.
However, if our thinking brain is invaded by our fears, traumas, and other unpleasant events, this capacity can start to become harmful. Our brain starts to work harder than usual in an effort to defend ourselves against actual or imagined threats. We may become extra wary if we've already encountered threats.
Dea Dean, a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist, provides a clear explanation:
When a person is "overthinking," they are examining their situation and determining if they are relationally "safe." Their thoughts frequently replay past regrets, It projects the worst-case outcomes in the future.
Dean goes on to describe the process of overthinking, whether that be ruminating on the past or worrying over the future:
"When one's mind is in the past, most people review conversations and events, analyzing what they may have done to put themselves in "relational danger," to make sure they fix any issues or avoid repeating them. When thinking about the future, most people are analyzing potential responses to their behavior or feelings, making plans and preparations for how to prevent rejection or relational isolation, and trying to avoid being caught off guard by a worst-case scenario.
I can attest to having engaged in this kind of overthinking. It showed itself for me as a desire for continual encouragement from a friend. I'm not really sure where this intense fear of desertion came from, but I'd venture to say that being caught off guard by a cohabiting ex had a major part.
My dread of loss may have also been influenced by the fact that my father died when I was still quite young.
But even those who have never had these kinds of events might become mired in worry and overthinking. Any of us might experience it. This is solely designed to reassure you if you are going through this and not to alarm you.
Seeking the assistance of a therapist or other professional is my top recommendation if you struggle with relationship anxiety or overthinking. There is no alternative for professional assistance, and a specialist may assist us in identifying the source of these worries and starting the deeper healing process.
How Overthinking Hurts Our Relationships
While we are prone to overthinking in many areas, relationships are where it happens most frequently. This is so because relationships are linked to the best potential outcomes, such as marriage, partnership, and companionship. The stakes are really high because we put a lot of strain on relationships (for both reasonable and illogical reasons).
Relationships demand that we actually put ourselves out there since the risks are so great. For a relationship to flourish and last, vulnerability is necessary. Relationships therefore need us to be exposed, exposing ourselves to the other and to the unknown. This promotes the development of intense affection, but it also puts us at risk of experiencing loss, rejection, hurt, and other negative emotions.
What's more terrifying than that? Why do we overthink, you ask? While we may believe that our propensity for overanalyzing is meant to keep us safe, it really leads to a variety of significant problems in intimate relationships. It has a direct impact on the wellbeing of the relationship as a whole in addition to stress and anguish for the overthinker (and frequently their spouse).
It Doesn't Let Things Develop Naturally
The tendency to overthink has one of the worst effects of all: it can make it difficult to see how things are right now. We unintentionally bring old concerns into the present because we frequently respond to prior relationship situations with this kind of overthinking. This distorts our views and causes us to lose sight of the current relationship's reality.
Instead of communicating, Sara Stanizai, MA, LMFT, claims that "instead of telling ourselves a version of what happened, we feed it with all of our prior relationship history, personal baggage from our families, and irrelevant soundbites from friends or the media." We "come up with a story that is not just false, but one that feeds into our greatest anxieties" as a result of this.
Consequently, We are not giving the new relationship the chance it deserves by seeing our present through the lens of the past. And it might be a serious problem.
It Depletes The Fun
A simple loss of enjoyment is another effect of overthinking. Simply said, overthinking robs a developing relationship of its joy. This is supposed to be the fun time of getting to know someone, perhaps falling in love, and developing a bond. You are not in the present moment if your mind is continuously racing. You are depriving yourself of the joy of your connection and missing out on what is in front of you.
It Erodes Trust
Overanalyzing most likely destroys trust between two couples, which is the worst consequence it can have and is also the most enduring.
Overthinking is by definition internal, yet its effects spill over into relationships.
For instance, you can find yourself obsessing over the messages your spouse sends you, attempting to interpret the significance of their word choice, punctuation, use of emojis, and even how quickly they respond to your texts. You start to think that your partner is upset with you or maybe cheating on you as your anxiety levels rise. Your worst-case scenarios keep running through your mind.
As a result, conflict arises. The story you've been telling yourself has developed into a full-on argument between you and your spouse in which you both level unjustified charges. Alternately, you start behaving unexpectedly distantly and coldly toward your lover.
Whatever happens, we can see that overthinking has resulted in a far greater issue than what we initially had.
This emotional roller coaster and persistent doubting of their motivations might start to make the partner of an overly analytical girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband feel as though there is no trust between you.